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Change the World: Listen to the Wisdom of Children

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Children Are

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I often say that Children were put on Earth to humble their parents.

Truth is that children have a way of humbling us all and teaching us too — if we let them. They’re authentic. Rare is the child before the age of 8 who has a hidden agenda or who has learned to be truly mean or arrogant. They know about love and showing their feelings. They know about taking joy from their accomplishments.

When we meet a grownup who can do all of that we call it wisdom.

It’s something to pay attention to in children.

Once when I taught first-grade, my class got out of hand while they were with their gym teacher. She was a new teacher, frustrated, and so she said without thinking, “You won’t have gym class for the rest of the year.”

When they returned to me, it was obvious they had a problem. We sat in a circle on the floor and had a conversation.

I said, “You know I won’t always be here to help you when things go wrong. You need to figure out how to fix this on your own.” They were six years old.

I left the room and listened at the door.

I heard a young man — yeah that’s what he was –say, “We need to find a way to get Ms. A to believe in us again.”

The wisdom of children. We could learn a lot if we listen.

We can change the world — just like that.
–ME “Liz” Strauss

Change the World: Forget the Kids at School, Say It Out Loud

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We Know, But We Can’t Say It

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It’s those words. They sit right up there in our foreheads. They are the important ones. More often than not, they are words kept captive there by a fear we hold dear.

We know what words they are, in our hearts we do. We know what they mean to us. We can’t say them out loud because, then we would hear them and, we might get the kind of response we got once. We know that’s not so, but knowing is one thing that is easier to say, than to do.

About three nights before SOBCon07, nearing midnight I was on the phone with a dear friend. We were talking about the conference, how the event would soon be real.

I called him by name, I said, “I’m afraid.”

As any friend would, he asked what it was making me feel that way. I saw the words, felt the words, knew the answer then. I probably knew the answer for days before this conversation took place. I felt my throat tighten to think of saying the words out loud.

I said, “I know, but let’s talk some more. I can’t tell you right now.”

A while later, the subject came up again in a natural way. I knew it was important that I say the words out loud for someone to hear. I worked my way up to give context, to build courage, to make sure that we both understood. What I said came out something like this. . . .

I’m not afraid that no one will come. I know they will. I’m not afraid that the event will not be successful. It will be an experience that the attendees will never forget. I’m not afraid of the people in the room for whom I will be speaking.

I’m afraid of the kids I went to grade school with.

He wondered what I meant. I laughed and said, “Don’t worry I can handle them.”
He said, “Please explain.” I did.

What I thought was a story that’s so universal. I said, “Remember when some kids at school made you feel small?”

But those kids had shrunk and vanished the minute I let that fear out of my head — when I said it. At that exact second, they were no longer near, they were decades ago. I knew that they had forgotten me, and I could forget about their laughter at my expense. They looked small and young in the distance.

I wish we didn’t hold a fear to say what we know is our truth waiting to be said. “I’m afraid, because of the kids I went to school with.” How silly is that? Boy am I glad that sentence is out of my head.

We hold onto sentences like that. I can’t say out loud who I am, what I’m good at, what I love, where I’m going, what I dream, what I fear, what I need, what I hope, because if I say it out loud I might hear and you might respond like the kids did at school.

Imagine if we choose wisely enough to trust and to talk out loud to folks who can see us.

We can change the world — just like that.
–ME “Liz” Strauss

Change the World: Choosing Our Own Path

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Peer Pressure for Adults

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Authenticity. It’s not easy to be authentic. I wonder whether anyone can. Maybe it’s a self-actualizing quest. Maybe it’s a journey, not a destination.

Yet.

An authentic world of transparent events, where fear of oneself no longer exists, has the potential beauty and productivity of any phenomenon nature ever made.

Yet.

As I look back at those who have walked to their calling, or at the tiny ones I taught who knew their own truth, I see they both found some rocky walking as they made their way along their paths. It’s my experience, too, that as I find my feet — as I know which direction is mine and which place to stand — some folks find it a duty to tell me what my role is and to follow the path that they set.

No.

“Choose wisely. Choose wisely, but choose your own path,” my father said. So did my friends. “Choose not for others, but always hold your choice for yourself.”

The choice is the action. The choice is the hope. The choice is the relationship and the place where you’ll go. The choice is the chance to know your head and your heart as they become your life. It is the choice that honors your self and the people you respect and love.

Only you know which is the right choice.

Say, “no.” When they say, “be someone other.”

Say, “no.” When they ask you to do what they won’t.

Say, “no.” Unless your heart and your head say “this is where my feet need to go.”

Authenticity knows how to choose its own path.

Authenticity is having faith in ourselves.

We can change the world — just like that.
–ME “Liz” Strauss

Change the World: Compliments and Apologies

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Say “Thank You”

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Something goes right or something goes wrong. Someone says something about it. That something is a compliment or an apology. Oh. Compliments and apologies are so . . . um, er . . . direct. The words, the thoughts come straight at us. It’s almost natural to move out of the way.

“Oh that, it was nothing,” is not an unusual response.

Or maybe it’s the other way around. Something goes right or something goes wrong. We need to say something. We try to apologize or give say how touched we were by an action, but the words come out wrong.

Apologies and compliments can feel unnatural, if no one has shown us how. Even when we mean to be gracious, we can deny or discount ourselves and the person on the other side of the conversation. From what I see, that’s what most often happens.

“This old thing?”

Whether giving or receiving, if head and heart are together and focused on the other person, we’ll get it right.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry, but that’s a rule to give by, not to live by — that’s only part of the story. Love also means telling a person how you feel and letting that person say what he or she needs to.

No matter how embarassing, love listens when people tell us how it feels to have made a hurtful mistake or to have received a kindness.

Sometimes I need to know that you’ve heard how sorry I am. It helps me heal.

Receiving or giving, it’s about listening. It’s about the other person. How could it not be and still be authentic? It’s not so hard to do. One simple thought changes everything. A real person meant what was just said. I need to show respect for that. That one thought can generate so many responses.

I’m sorry. I behaved badly. . . . I am so happy for you. . . . Wow! Thank you, I work hard, and that means a lot. . . . I hear you. . . . I understand.

It took me decades to realize that compliments and apologies weren’t about me. It only took minutes to find a new way of responding.

We can change the world — just like that.
–ME “Liz” Strauss

Change the World: Knowing When Not to Listen

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Be the Teacher

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Listening. We all want to be heard. It’s often a gift to listen when someone needs to talk. But not always . . .

Sometimes we talk just to know that we’re here. Sometimes we rattle on without thinking about what we’re saying. Sometimes we talk to fill space or win favor. Sometimes we talk just to know we’re okay or to prove that we’re good enough.

I heard a parable about a teacher and a student. Sometimes I’m the teacher. Sometimes I’m not. It’s easy to be the student. I want to remember the story, so I pass it on.

On beautiful day centuries ago, a teacher was walking down a dirt road in the country, thinking teacherly thoughts.

A student, filled with excitement, ran up to the teacher saying, “Master, I have news you should know, important news, from the city.”

The teacher smiled at the student and slowed so the student could catch up and catch his breath. As they walked together, the teacher softly spoke.

“May I ask a few questions first?”

“Oh yes, of course, Teacher, yes,” the student gushed.

“This news you bring — does it tell a of a good deed?”

“Oh no, Teacher. Someone has done something wrong.”

“Do you know the person yourself?’

“No, Teacher. I don’t, but the person who told me does.”

“Do you know that the story is true?”

“My friend swears it is so.”

The teacher walked silently for a while so that the student might hear his own answers. When the teacher spoke again, it was almost a whisper.

“You wish to tell me bad news about someone you do not know about something you don’t know is true. This news is not important.”

The teacher asked three simple questions and knew whether to listen.

Those three questions make it easy to decide.

We can choose not to listen.

We can change the world — just like that.
–ME “Liz” Strauss

Change the World: If You Can’t Say Something Nice

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Forgive the Guy You Don’t Like

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One of the best things about growing up shy is that I became an observer. I watch people and the patterns in our behavior. Yeah, I watch myself too.

Sometimes we do this curious thing. It’s as if we have two dictionaries. One dictionary we use when we talk about people we love and people we think are good. The other we use when we talk about people who scare us, have hurt us, or for some reason we have decided are not good enough.

The first dictionary has the words forgiveness and compassion. The second does not. When we decide we don’t like someone enough, we pick up that second dictionary. We find words like righteous and noble and use them to talk about ourselves and our feelings. Our noble selves decide how other folks think, forgetting entirely that they are people who love their children too.

I think that’s why my mother said, “If you can’t say something nice . . . ”

It seems a small thing, but it’s not. Think of the difference it would make in a life if we lived by that rule.

We can change the world — just like that.
–ME “Liz” Strauss