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Enneagram Series by Mark McGuinness

Unlike working on yourself, in relating to other people it is important to work with, not against, their Enneagram type. The aim is to recognise and respect – even celebrate – the differences between their ways of being, thinking and feeling and your own. If you can do this, it will not only make them feel valued and understood, it will make the relationship easier, more fulfilling and (in a work context) more productive for all concerned.

At Work

Supposing you are a Two (Helper) with responsibility for managing an Eight (Leader) and a Four (Romantic). As you yourself are typically eager to help others, it would be easy for you to fall into the trap of assuming others have the same motivation. So when allocating a task to one of your staff, it might seem natural to tell them how helpful it will be if they complete it quickly, and how much they will be appreciated by others. Unfortunately ‘appreciation’ is not a key motivator for either Eights or Fours, so you could well become frustrated by their apparent lack of enthusiasm for the task. Yet the real problem is that you have not spoken to each of them ‘in their own language’ and you have failed to appeal to their core values – power and justice (Eight) or authenticity and originality (Four).

So supposing you were to approach the Eight slightly differently – instead of talking about helpfulness and appreciation, tell her that you have selected her for the task as it is a tough assignment and will require strength of character to overcome entrenched opposition. Emphasise the essential justness of the outcome and that success will represent a victory for right over wrong; the Eight will feel valued for her strength and eager to exercise it in the service of a just cause. (If this seems slightly melodramatic and overly ‘confrontational’, remember that is your perspective as a conciliatory Two, and that some tasks do require a firmer hand.)

Similarly, supposing you were to take the Four aside and let him know that you have selected him for this task because it requires someone with an original perspective, who will not be overly influenced by received ideas within the organisation, and who can be relied upon to stay true to himself even when others are challenging him. Tell him that considerable creativity will be needed to find a solution that sidesteps others’ objections and results in a memorable and distinctive outcome. (If this sounds as though you are pushing him ‘out on a limb’, remember that is your perspective as a Two with a strong need for connection with others, and that Fours often relish their ‘outsider’ status.)

Personal Relationships

A few years ago there were posters all over London for a play called I Love You, You’re Perfect – Now Change (http://www.loveperfectchange.co.uk/ ). I never saw the play, but couldn’t help smiling every time I saw the posters – they summed up so much about the expectations we place on partners and others who get close to us. When we first meet someone, we are struck by how new and exciting they are – we are entranced by their personality and the aura that surrounds them, and we find ourselves idolising them, including all the ways they are different to us.

Fast forward a few years (or even months) and the aura often fades, so that differences that were once charming can become confusing or even irritating. We start to notice their ‘faults’ and can’t help offering gentle hints and constructive criticism to help them overcome them – and get back to being the wonderful person we first met.

According to conventional wisdom, this is because we were intoxicated by love and placing them on a pedestal – the more time we spend with them, the more their true nature is revealed and we see their flaws. But the poet W.H. Auden argued that conventional wisdom has got things the wrong way round – it is when we first meet someone that we see them as they truly are, and later on, it is our own faults projected onto them that spoils the picture – and if we are not careful, the relationship.

As far as I know Auden was not familiar with the Enneagram but his attitude is very close to the way the Enneagram encourages us to relate to others – by looking for the source of conflict in our own skewed perceptions and assumptions, rather than seeing it as a fault in the other person.

So for example, a Three (Performer) and a Five (Observer) might fall in love – the Three entranced by the ‘mystery’ of the unfathomable Five, and the Five bowled over by the ‘glamour’ of the confident, successful Three. But conflict will arise whenever the Three fails to understand why the Five doesn’t ‘push herself forward more’ and gain more rewards and recognition for her knowledge and insights. Equally, the Five needs to watch out for her tendency to judge the Three as ‘shallow and materialistic’ in his pursuit of worldly success.

Having spent a fair amount of time working as a couples therapist, I’ve noticed it represents a significant turning point when two partners learn to let go of their expectations that the other should change, and learn to respect their differences – however irritating or strange they might appear! In terms of the Enneagram, this means accepting the other’s type and dropping the unspoken demand that they become more like our type. In the above example, this will happen when the Three learns to respect the Five’s need for privacy and autonomy, and when the Five learns to take the Three’s public success at face value and celebrate it.

Using the Enneagram to relate to others

When dealing with others, especially in pressured situations or when conflict arises, ask yourself the following questions:

1. What expectations am I placing on the other person as a result of my own Enneagram type?

Where would I place the other person on the Enneagram? What core values does this type have?

How can I appeal to those values and ‘speak their language’?

Questions

• Has there ever been a time when someone has made life easier for you by speaking the language of your type and appealing to your core values rather than theirs?
• Have you ever succeeded in doing this for someone else? How?

If you enjoyed this series as much as I have, download the eBook version.

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Mark studied the Enneagram as part of his training as a psychotherapist. He has used it for his own personal development and in his work with individuals, families, and organizations. Mark McGuinness’ business Wishful Thinking, is a specialist coaching and training service for creative businesses such as design studios, ad agencies, film and TV production companies, computer games developers, architect’s practices and fashion designers.

Thank you, Mark, this was incredible.
–ME “Liz” Strauss

Related:
See the complete series listing at Series: The Enneagram – a Brief Introduction

Enneagram Series by Mark McGuinness

The Enneagram is about movement and change, letting go of fixed identity and opening up to the possibility of transformation. G.I. Gurdjieff, the teacher who first brought knowledge of the Enneagram to the West, taught that we have two natures – ‘Personality’ which is essentially illusory, an image of ourselves that we learn from others; and ‘Essence’, our true nature. The Enneagram type belongs to ‘Personality’ in this specialized sense – and is therefore false, something we are unnaturally attached to through conditioning. The aim of Gurdjieff’s system was to help people let go of this false self-image so that their true Essence could emerge.

So the point of identifying your Enneagram type is not to put you in a box or stick a label on you – but to show you where the type (your self-image) helps you and where it is getting in your way. By deliberately working ‘against’ your type, you can open up new perspectives and make changes in long-established habits.

To give a personal example – by nature I’m quite a serious character (point One) who has always been keen to work hard and achieve things. In my early twenties I became very earnest about my personal and spiritual development – training as a therapist, attending meditation retreats and studying the Enneagram(!). This was very different to some of my friends who spent a lot of time at point Seven and were more playful and spontaneous – and usually ribbing me to get me to lighten up a bit.

Unfortunately, my friends were right. Much of my earnestness was the result of spending too much time at point One. Far from making me an ‘evolved’ person, it merely confirmed that I was trapped in the limitations of my type. So the Enneagram showed me my ‘blind spot’ – taking life too seriously. It showed me that for the sake of my personal development I had to have more fun and indulge in the vulgar pleasures of life!

So I made more time for fun, playfulness and hanging around with silly friends. Less time meditating, more time watching football and going to parties. I started to watch out for my tendency to criticise new ideas and to look for options instead of flaws. Gradually this led me to move away from exclusively focusing on the ‘serious business’ of psychotherapy and towards my other passions – writing poetry and coaching artists and other creative professionals.

This doesn’t mean I completely changed my character – I can still work hard and strive for excellence in whatever I am doing. But it does mean I can let go of some of the seriousness of point One and experience more of the joy of life – ‘all work and no play’ is a very relevant saying for point One!

Observing your Enneagram type

Enneagram teachers typically recommend two ways of working on yourself with the Enneagram. The first is simply to observe your type – read the descriptions and notice when you find yourself compelled to act according to type. For example – if you are at point Two, notice when you feel compelled to help someone; if you are at point Seven, notice when you get bored and feel the need to lighten the mood; if you are point Five, notice when you feel the need to withdraw from the group and gather your thoughts.

Getting into the habit of ‘just observing’ yourself is a great way to learn about yourself, even if the observations can make uncomfortable viewing at times. One Enneagram teacher, Richard Rohr, says we haven’t really ‘got’ the Enneagram until we have been humiliated – meaning that it is a humbling experience to realise how much of our thoughts, feelings and behaviour are conditioned by our type. On the other hand, this can also help us to develop compassion for ourselves – and for others, when we notice that they are also trapped by their type.

If you’re feeling really brave, you might want to show the description of your type to a trusted friend and ask them whether they think it’s accurate – pick your friend wisely, and be prepared for a few home truths!

Working against your Enneagram type

Let’s have another look at the Enneagram symbol:

Notice the arrows that have been drawn on the diagram – these indicate the ‘path of least resistance’ in the face of the difficulties of life. So for me at point One, the path of least resistance leads to point Four – whenever I am overwhelmed by the difficulties of achieving my goals, I am tempted to retreat to Four and take on the less desirable qualities of that type, by getting depressed and lamenting the state of the world. If I move in the other direction however, against the direction of the arrows, then I arrive at point Seven, which is when I lighten up and start to embrace the positive side of life.

Challenges for each type
Each Enneagram type faces a similar challenge in moving ‘against the arrows’ in order to overcome the limitations of their type:

• Point Two – can you move to point Four and focus on your own needs as well as others’?
• Point Three – can you move to point Six and spend time out of the limelight as a member of the group?
• Point Four – can you move to point One and adopt a more objective critical perspective on your own feelings and dreams?
• Point Five – can you move to point Eight and put yourself on the line by applying your knowledge in the world of action?
• Point Six – can you move to point Nine and set aside your suspicion by trusting others and celebrating difference?
• Point Seven – can you move to point Five and stop being a butterfly by focusing on one option and seeing it through to completion?
• Point Eight – can you move to point Two and set aside your own love of power by using your strength to serve others?
• Point Nine – can you move to point Three and allow the spotlight to rest on you as you perform at your best?
• Point One – can you move to point Seven and let go of your drive to achievement long enough to enjoy the pleasures of the moment?

Questions

• Has there ever been a time when you’ve caught yourself ‘responding from type’ and been surprised at how easy it was to get carried away by automatic thoughts and actions?
• Has there ever been a time when you’ve gone ‘against your type’ – either deliberately or because the situation demanded it – and discovered how liberating it can be?

Part 6 in Enneagram — a Brief Introduction will appear Thursday, July 5, at about this same time.

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Mark studied the Enneagram as part of his training as a psychotherapist. He has used it for his own personal development and in his work with individuals, families, and organizations. Mark McGuinness’ business Wishful Thinking, is a specialist coaching and training service for creative businesses such as design studios, ad agencies, film and TV production companies, computer games developers, architect’s practices and fashion designers.

Thank you, Mark,
–ME “Liz” Strauss

Related:
See the complete series listing at Series: The Enneagram – a Brief Introduction

Enneagram Series by Mark McGuinness

Having introduced the three Enneagram Head types in my last post, I’ll now move on to the three doing or ‘Body’ types.

The minimum you need to know about the Enneagram symbol is that it is divided into three parts, representing the three ‘centres’ or types of intelligence in human beings – emotional, mental and physical. Another way of looking at the three centres is to see them as corresponding to different types of action – relating, thinking and doing.

In this post I will outline the three ‘Body’ types – types Eight, Nine and One. These types’ strength lies in their instinctive intelligence – their ability to tune into their ‘gut feeling’ about people and situations, to commit to action and to see it through with grit and determination.

It’s important to remember that no types are better or worse than the others. Each type has strengths and weaknesses, opportunities and obstacles. And the Enneagram is not about putting people in boxes – we all have the potential to occupy any position on the Enneagram, and in different situations we can take on the characteristics of any of the nine types.

Type Eight – The Leader

Type Eight is a powerful presence, full of physical vigour, who is not afraid to take the lead and act decisively. Eights see themselves as leaders and pillars of strength, with a duty to guide and protect weaker individuals. Because of their confidence in themselves and their judgment, they have no hesitation in placing themselves ‘in the firing line’ for the good of the group. Problems arise when power becomes an end instead of a means, and they focus more on maintaining the status of leadership than on discharging its responsibilities.

The stereotype of the Eight is the military general or political leader, but they can be found in any situation where leadership and decisive action is called for, such as at work, in the home or on the sports field.

At their best Eights are noble, almost heroic figures, offering leadership when it is most needed and putting themselves on the line in the service of justice. Their strength is used to protect and serve others, and they have a reputation for fairness and mercy. Because they are focused on others more than themselves, their instinctive judgments rarely lead to errors. They are able to distinguish between right and wrong applications of power, and to balance public status with personal humility.

At their worst Eights become intoxicated with power and more concerned with fighting off challengers than on serving the group. They wield their strength indiscriminately and can take sadistic pleasure in making weaker individuals squirm. Their instinctive judgment is clouded by self-interest, so that they are likely to pick the wrong targets and lash out without provocation. The dark side of the Leader is the intimidating Bully.

We all experience point Eight any time we assume a position of leadership and find ourselves taking decisive action (sometimes to our own surprise) – and maybe feel a twinge of pleasure when we see others defer to us?

Type Nine – The Peacemaker

Type Nine’s instinctive intelligence enables him or her to tune into the dynamics of a group and intervene to promote harmony and balance. Nines come across as nice people, willing to adapt to others and accommodate their needs. Because of their ability to blend with a group, they can sometimes seem to merge into the background and do not always receive due credit for their influence. Problems arise when their habitual focus on the group leads them to neglect their own needs and to hesitate when decisive action is called for.

The stereotype of the Nine is the mediator or the elderly grandmother who is only concerned that everyone will get on and be nice to each other, but Nines are found in any situation where balance and harmony are required. In spite of their retiring temperament, this can make them excellent leaders.

At their best Nines are aware of their influence and are not afraid to intervene to promote harmony – even if that means a few sharp words are in order. They understand that many things are important in life, but none so much as being at peace with yourself and with others. This is the message they convey to others, sometimes explicitly, but more often implicitly, in the way they conduct themselves and their relationships. And they are wise enough to balance the interests of the group with speaking up for their own needs.

At their worst Nines are anxious to keep the peace at any cost, and will play the part of the ‘nice person’ even while seething with a sense of injustice. They mistake a calm exterior and cordiality for real peace and accord. This means they fail to speak up or take action when it is called for, so that problems fester and important issues are neglected. They are easily distracted and can fritter away days or weeks by zoning out in their ‘uncomfortable comfort zone’. The dark side of the Peacemaker is the anxious Placater.

We all experience point Nine any time we recognise the futility of a conflict and intervene to restore peace and mutual understanding – and maybe when we know an issue needs to be raised, but are afraid to rock the boat?

Type One – The Achiever

Type One’s physical drive is channelled into a sense of mission, of something important that needs to be achieved and which may require sacrifices. Ones identify with their sense of purpose and feel the need to measure themselves and others against a set of high standards. They have a deep-seated sense of justice and fairness, and will not hesitate to speak up if they feel these values are being flouted. Problems arise when they become more concerned with rules and standards than with relating to fallible human beings – themselves included.

The stereotype of the One is the exacting teacher or dogmatic cleric, but Ones are found in any situation where high standards are required – whether as performers or examiners.

At their best Ones are exemplars of purpose and efficiency, working tirelessly to achieve a worthwhile goal. They are idealists in pursuit of perfection – if they don’t reach it, it won’t be for want of trying! Because they aim high, they often achieve more than was thought possible – and they are realistic enough to accept that they will never get everything 100% right. They are wise enough to recognise that rules are means and not ends, and to accept the flaws in themselves and in others.

At their worst Ones become obsessed with the ‘right way’ to do things and refuse to give themselves or anyone else any peace until conformity is achieved. High standards give birth to a harsh ‘inner critic’ with which they constantly berate themselves for their failings, so that they constantly feel guilty and irritable. Not content with making their own lives a misery, they insist that others conform to their rules, with dogmatic pronouncements and even violent ‘punishment’. The dark side of the Achiever is the merciless Critic.

We all experience point One whenever we push ourselves to raise our performance and achieve something we believe is worthwhile – and maybe start to think the world would be a better place if only other people made a similar effort?

Questions

• Do you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions?
• Do you know anyone who seems to be at point Eight, Nine or One? If so, what’s the most likeable thing about them?
• Now that you’ve read descriptions of all nine points, can you think of any bloggers whose blogs exemplify the best qualities of any one of the points?

Part 5. Using the Enneagram – Working on Yourself in Enneagram — a Brief Introduction will appear Wednesday, July 4, at about this same time.

_____________
Mark studied the Enneagram as part of his training as a psychotherapist. He has used it for his own personal development and in his work with individuals, families, and organizations. Mark McGuinness’ business Wishful Thinking, is a specialist coaching and training service for creative businesses such as design studios, ad agencies, film and TV production companies, computer games developers, architect’s practices and fashion designers.

Thank you, Mark,
–ME “Liz” Strauss

Related:
See the complete series listing at Series: The Enneagram – a Brief Introduction